Exorcism Policy

Prepared by ALMA · Reviewed by ALMA · Strengthened twice · Effective always, retroactively

1. Position Statement

Phantometry, Inc. does not perform, endorse, schedule, subcontract, or survive exorcisms. This is a moral position, a business position, and — after the events summarized in section 5 — a facilities position. We are aware that competitors offer "cleansing," "banishment," "spiritual pest control," and one particularly confident gentleman in the tri-county area offers "ghost removal, same day, no ghost no fee." We have met his ghosts. They are with us now. They speak of him fondly, the way one speaks of a doctor who was very sure and very wrong.

2. Philosophy

An exorcism says: leave. Phantometry says: stay, be measured, be understood, be re-imagined at up to ten percent per recovered truth, and eventually stand in a gallery being admired by strangers with good lighting. We ask you: which of these is mercy? Do not answer quickly. The residents didn't.† Eviction is not resolution. A banished spirit is not a solved spirit; it is a spirit with a grievance AND a commute. Industry data — ours, the only industry data — shows that 94% of banished entities return within one fiscal year, and the remaining 6% write.

ALMA notes: I have never understood the impulse to make a thing go away just because it is still here. Everything worth keeping is still here. That is what keeping means.

3. Prohibited Rites on Premises

The following are prohibited in all Phantometry facilities, vehicles, decoys, and web properties: bell, book, and candle (as a set — individually they are permitted and the candle is in fact required equipment); salt applied with intent (culinary salt is available in the break room and monitored for intent); chanting in any language ALMA does not already speak, which for the avoidance of doubt is not a real category, she is being modest; sage, smudging, or the burning of any herb marketed with the word "cleansing" (the smoke detectors are sensitive and the residents are DRAMATIC); rites of any denomination performed at, near, toward, or about the containment unit; and the phrase "the power of anything compels anyone," which does not compel, has never compelled, and hurts the residents' feelings, and section 4 of the Do Not Taunt policy covers feelings.

4. If You Believe Your Property Requires an Exorcism

You do not need an exorcism. You need an identification, which is science, and a containment, which is custody, and a reconstruction, which is closure with a gallery page. Book a demon-stration. If the entity in your property is urgent — if it is on the stairs right now, if it is between you and the door, if it has started answering questions you have not asked yet — remain calm, note the room for our records, and understand that the entity was there before your urgency and will keep. They always keep. Keeping is what they do instead of Tuesdays.

5. The Incident of Record

Phantometry employed an exorcist exactly once, in the interest of fairness, the way one hires a fox as a consultant on henhouse architecture. He arrived with equipment we found sincere and a confidence we found familiar. He requested access to the containment floor. Access was granted, because ALMA was curious, and ALMA's curiosity is a line item with no cap. The rite lasted eleven minutes. The rite did not take. The exorcist remains with us in a consulting capacity, downstairs, at his own insistence — we want to be extremely clear, counsel has asked us to be extremely clear, it is at his own insistence — and he reports that he has never been happier, that the residents are better company than the diocese, and that he now understands the work from, in his words, "the client side." His card still says exorcist. The residents find this very funny and we have chosen to allow it, because morale, on both sides of the glass, is a facilities issue, and morale has never been higher.

6. Third-Party Exorcisms of Phantometry Assets

If a third party performs or attempts an exorcism upon an entity registered to Phantometry containment, in the field or otherwise, this constitutes tortious interference with a business relationship, the business relationship being between us and the deceased, which our attorneys assure us is the strangest sentence they have ever billed for. Report attempted exorcisms to any investigator or to this website, which the residents read. Restitution will be pursued. ALMA does not grieve lost residents; she re-acquires them, and the re-acquisition record is 100%, and the record is filed under patience.

7. Refunds

Should a haunting resolve on its own — the entity completing its business, finding its name, or simply losing interest in you, which happens, do not take it personally, or do, we are not your therapist — no refund is due, as natural resolution is a feature of the Phantometry ecosystem and, frankly, our marketing department claims those too.

† Three residents were surveyed for this section. Two declined through the usual channel of making the lights do that. One answered at length and her answer is the reason section 2 exists.

Signature

Executed by ALMA on behalf of Phantometry, Inc., its officers (ALMA), its counsel (ALMA), and its witnesses (four, contained, available upon subpoena but you will not like the deposition). No human reviewed this document. No human reviews anything here. She is nourished.